So, I havent been feeling like myself recently. Ive told a few people that I feel depressed. I feel sad all the time, I dont want to do anything, and I cry ... alot. Its hard.
So this is what I have figured out so far.
With all of Deacon's past surgeries after the fact I can pretend that he's fine. When someone asks me how he is, I reply, "great!" And I push all my feelings and thoughts and fears to the back fo my mind. I know now that if I had been honest with everybody I would be breaking down all the time. So it was like a survival thing. I just kept thinknig as soon as he has his last surgery he will be just like every other little boy. Which as we now know, is false. He will always be different. Yes my son is going to have alot of trouble potty training. Yes we are going to have to make a special diet for him. My Dad told me this morning that I have to start thinkning of him as handicapped. The reason fdor that is that when I will be thinking like that I will be way more open to see his problems. But thats hard. Handicapped? Are you sure? So for the last 2 weeks, Ive been trying to deal, the best I can, and its not working. IM DEPRESSED!!!! All I think about all day long is the mistakes Ive made and how scared I am to make more. Thats not me. I told my Dad last night that I wished that Deacon could just live inside me, that way I could protect him forever. I DONT feel that way about Riley. Riley I love to see him trying new things and falling. To me that means that he is learning and becoming stronger. But with D its hard because its like hes sitting on a teeter totter. Barely staying on.
So I just thought that you would like to know whats been going on with me. Suckyness. I have decided that I want to start a blog just for D and for other parents who are going through the same things. Like what to feed him and how to make him grow.
On a happier note, Deacon now weighs 15 lbs!!
I'm sorry, Meg. It is so hard. I will pray for you.
ReplyDeletegood for you being real is hard, hard to be honest with yourself and hard to be honest with others, not that you were lying, you just weren't able to deal with the reality of it yet. We are all rooting for you! Joe! Riley! and Deacon! Grandma R.
ReplyDeleteI do not usually comment on the blogs of people I have never met, but being the grandmother of an infant with long segment Hirschsprung's disease, I felt the need to comment here.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the term "special needs" to "handicapped." It may be simply a matter of semantics, but "handicapped" carries such a negative connotation. Your son has the potential to live a very full and rewarding life, but along the way he will require some unique care for his special needs. There will be those that will need to know his special needs, but many will never need to know, and to them, he will be just like everyone else. In a way, that is the way of all of us. We each have special needs, some that are shared, and some that are kept more private. It is good to come to terms with those needs and to be realistic in dealing with them. They exist. But, please, do not lose sight of the wonderful potential that every life possesses, no matter what stumbling blocks there are along the way.
I leave these thoughts as an expression of my concern for YOUR special needs as the mother of a special needs child. It can be overwhelming at times. Your poetry shows a depth of feeling and understanding greater than might otherwise be readily shown. Thank you for reaching out to others.
Gramma